PART 2
I know there's a lot to unpack with all of this and I don't know if my presence is beneficial or not. My guess is that it is NOT; at least, as far as particular aims are concerned. On one hand, a group of white people discussing what they believe people of color must feel or what it must be like and analyzing us like an alien autopsy is not only cringe-inducing to me, but also the root of all of the problems in the first place. This deals with human nature, as much as anything exclusively racial, because those who are sincere will listen and those with egos who don't will always speak. So, if that one woman who was touting her "work" over my experience wasn't checked, a lot of people would have looked to her as the expert and been taken down a very dangerous path of good intentions. Their humility and her hubris is a dangerous combination.
So... as far as intentions, the black boxes on Tuesday were about intentions and a lot of people pull the "don't push allies away" card, when I questioned if it was actually hurting the cause more than helping. They want me to know that the gesture means something. The question is to who? To who does it means something? I could literally show people that when they posted it a child dies and some of them would still stand behind their intentions. I'm talking effects and results, and those who are real about shit will just respond with, "
Sorry. I see what you're saying and I didn't mean to do that." and then try to be aware enough to fix it. A lot of people removed their hashtags to help. Again, they don't know what to do. It's confusing. So, I'm gonna leave this thread, and I'm going to leave with this: if you don't know what to do, listening is a good start. A lot of us have been telling you. And the reason that I said this is a trap is because, since we've been speaking forever with no one listening, it can seems very positive, if not exciting, that people are listening now. So, while it isn't our responsibility, when someone asks, there is a compulsion to want to help and want to explain and be willing to. When you put that out there and do that and it's dismissed.. fuck it. Why waste the fucking energy?
As far as this Skip Bayless shit goes, the intention might be cheeky, but it's not cheeky to me. It's something I tried to contribute and the response was literally, "
no need to watch this. It's guaranteed to be a bad take and a waste of time." And what's sure to follow is what always follows, an explanation of intention, with no acknowledgment of the results. And that's why I'm out, because it's not productive. Nobody in here wants to feel lectured by my presence, but, anyone in here who feels lost and continues down this path to understanding in this area, will ultimately discover that the response of feeling lectured or defensive, is a HUGE component to this.
As minorities, we know we are the minority. And just like I'm forced to spend my life making sure that other people are comfortable with my existence around them, they are aware that, because of that established dynamic, they don't ever really have to feel like they are required to do the same for me. An excuse for why you do something, is nothing more than an excuse for why you should have been able to do it and why you should be able to continue. It's a lot different than, "
Sorry. I was making a bad joke about Skip Bayless, because I don't like the guy, but I didn't mean to dismiss your post. I checked it out and it's actually really informative stuff others might find value in." Other people can benefit from what's in there and this thread isn't like others... or, maybe it is. I'm not the one who made it, after all, so I can't speak to its intentions. I can, however, speak on the fact that, as a minority, once the white cavalry starts showing up to defend something, just because I express how something struck me negatively -- basically, defending the right to reject awareness, or consideration -- that shit goes Deliverance vibes really quick, and I'm hopping the fuck out.
On the VMP forum there was once a situation where someone mentioned how the term "people of color" wasn't one that they particularly enjoyed. I didn't want to leave them hanging, when I feel the same way, so I let them know that I wasn't a big fan of the term, either. Right then,
@Tillman chimed in to state that he didn't mean any disrespect by using it, but he didn't know what term was best, and asked if there was something better. There was no argument. I told him that it's a difficult situation and most of us don't really know either. It might be the best we've got. I still really appreciate that and remember. I knew the intention was good and I appreciated him even giving a shit. We resolved it before there was anything to even resolve. It was a fruitful conversation among human beings. I can't remember who came in next, but they decided to let all the black and brown people know that it's an agreed upon term to use and they had several articles written by white intellectuals and history to prove it. Someone just couldn't help themselves and NEEDED their voice to be in a conversation. I asked them not to resurrect an evil zombie that was already put down, but our feelings and voices always take a back seat and were drown out. They wouldn't let it go. More and more people decided to discuss us around us, to speak with us in that space, but not acknowledge our actual feelings or presence. They stared around trying to crack a riddle, while we were telling them the answer. We were told that the conversation deserved to continue. It was a ROTM guess thread.
And that's what I realize now in just typing that. This is a white space. It's a space for you and you have a right to that. And so, in the end, I'm actually apologizing... again. But, sincerely. I'm not trying to come lecture you in your space, but here's where I lay out my intention -- and I'm sure that you can understand my confusion -- but I mistakenly thought I saw a place for brown voices, so I wandered in.
